I feel like the only thing that I can do, and I've been fired from enough jobs, that I'm pretty confident in saying this, the only thing that I can do, even a little bit better than most people, is create that sort of that context with humor. And that's my way of not being helpless and not being hopeless.

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.

I feel like [God]'s hazing us.

I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance

There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on 'Friends' is.

Everybody wrings their hands about Fox News. You know, "fair and balanced? Why, that's snide!" Yeah, okay, maybe they're not fair and balanced, but CNN used to have the slogan "You Can Depend on CNN". Guess what? I watch it, no you can't. So what's the difference?

What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square. It's a lot quieter than the regular New Year. It's just a few Jews walking around going, "sup?"