I don't have a sort of Amway-esque chart up on my refrigerator or anything.

Honestly, folks, I think my brain is broken.

We're going to do a challenge. I'm going to try and download every movie ever made and you are going to try to sign up for Obamacare - and we'll see which happens first.

You can buy [John McCain's] book, but in a week and a half, he'll have another.

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

Wow, the entire network of anchors has been hired to be the press secretary.

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.