You can buy [John McCain's] book, but in a week and a half, he'll have another.

The beautiful thing about faking a news show is the topicality is delayed.

Stephen Colbert is also then turned into news.

Usually when Obama says, 'Let me be clear,' he's about to get into some very unclear sh*t.

The psychology degree is simply that I was a chemistry major, and they kept wanting the correct answer, whereas in psychology you basically write whatever you want, and chances are you get a B.

Glenn Beck does have a dream. Unfortunately, it's the kind of dream you have when you eat four pepperoni hot pockets right before bed.

Poor people have sh*tty lobbyists.