What are you so mad about? That we still have a government? We still have “traffic lights.” We’re sorry. The government’s not perfect, but some people wish it was better, not gone.

Don't worry, as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.

I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.

At the end of your life, do you give a concession speech?

You know, I've always wanted to be a young Charles Kuralt. I started in this business with just a Winnebago and a dream.

New York became the first state to ban talking on hand-held cell phones while driving. First-time violators could receive a fine of $100, with an additional mandatory six-month jail sentence if your ringer plays a Latin-themed novelty song.

It's not really a good sign when your audience applauds Satan.