It's harder to eat meat when you know the animal's name...I have found.

Senior year is supposed to be about being mentally done.

The Rapture: The ultimate Republican back-up plan.

It really does seem that the Democrat's problem isn't that they're calling for timetables - it's that they're calling them 'timetables'. You're up against Bush and the Republicans - you've got to bring some zing. Don't call them timetables - call them 'Patriot Dates', 'Freedom Deadlines'... 'Glory Goals'.

Gay people can't be proud of the country and want to defend it too. What's the army afraid is going to happen if gay people are in it. Private, shoot that man! I can't, he's adorable.

It's like America has a dog that's always shitting inside the house, and we solved the problem by getting a brown rug.

It's always funny until the hooker mentions her son.