We declared war on terror-it's not even a noun, so, good luck.

President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.

As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to be making jokes about that. Who wants to miss out on that? If the world is going to end, I want to be there the night before, goofing off.

We hear every damn day about how fragile our country is - on the brink of catastrophe - torn by polarizing hate, and how it's a shame that we can't work together to get things done, but the truth is we do. We work together to get things done every damn day!

The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something.

That, what we're really seeing in Iraq is not a terrible war, but in fact, just the media's portrayal of it.

High school. You know, people say, 'I'll never do so-and-so again' - then they do it. So what? Sometimes somebody has crack, and you're looking to stay awake.