Do you know what writing a book is? It's sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human. I felt like Howard Hughes.

If I could be really competent, that goes such a long way toward things, because the majority of things are not competent. If I can be competent, and have moments of originality, that's all I would ask for.

I really think [the Bush Administration]'s foreign policy agenda is to spread irony through the world.

Oh press - must you spread hate? Can't you just stick to being wrong?

61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.

Corporations are the only reason the tax code is so complicated in the first place. Those off-shore loopholes didn't get carved out by poor people.

The Oscars is the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party