If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?
Jon StewartWe're Jews. When you look at our pubic hair, it should look like Ewoks should be in there.
Jon StewartThere's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.
Jon StewartI can't tell you how many times we'll run into a journalist and go, "Boy that's...I wish we could be saying that. That's exactly the way we see it and that's exactly the way we'd like to be saying that." And I always think, "Well, why don't you?"
Jon StewartIt's funny. When we were alive we spent much of our time staring up at the cosmos and wondering what was out there. We were obsessed with the moon and whether we could one day visit it. The day we finally walked on it was celebrated worldwide as perhaps man's greatest achievement. But it was while we were there, gathering rocks from the moon's desolate landscape, that we looked up and caught a glimpse of just how incredible our own planet was. Its singular astonishing beauty. We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.
Jon Stewart