The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective.

What's it called when a hellhole hits a cataclysm? A catastro[phrack]. I just coined that, didn't I?

No one is better at not beating America than England.

Child: Why on this night do we eat Hot Fudge Sundaes? Adult: To remind us that being Jewish is like having your birthday every day!! Plus they're delicious!

Critics have noted Schwarzenegger's only previous government experience was serving under President Bush senior as Chairman of the Council of Physical Fitness, a largely symbolic office, where Schwarzenegger's only responsibility was doing hundreds of jumping jacks he was going to do anyway.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it's nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.