The building housing America's military brass is a five-sided pentagon, but somehow, the people in it still manage to make it the squarest place on earth. The latest evidence? A current military document that lists homosexuality as a mental disorder in the same league as mental retardation - noting, of course, the one difference: retarded people can still get into heaven.

We're Jews. When you look at our pubic hair, it should look like Ewoks should be in there.

If I'd only followed CNBC's advice, I'd have a million dollars today. Provided I'd started with a hundred million dollars.

We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.

War that hasn't affected us here, in the way that you would imagine a five-year war would affect a country.

My friend Bill O’Reilly is completely full of sh*t.

The Book of Mormon is so good it makes me f**king angry.