I have to say, as someone who is not a Christian, it’s hard for me to believe Christians are a persecuted people in America. God willing, maybe one of you one day will even rise up and get to be president of this country — or maybe forty-four in a row. But that’s my point, is they’ve taken this idea of no establishment as persecution, because they feel entitled, not to equal status, but to greater status.

In 1982 I was playing soccer at William and Mary, and a kid from Randolph-Macon called me a kike. I ran after him. 'I'm not a... well, yes I am.

I have not moved out of the comedian's box into the news box. The news box is moving towards me.

It's great having Bruce Springsteen on my show. We have so much in common! We're both from New Jersey, just from different neighborhoods. Sort of like how Martin Luther King and Margaret Mitchell both came from Atlanta. But from different neighborhoods.

What's it called when a hellhole hits a cataclysm? A catastro[phrack]. I just coined that, didn't I?

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

I can only fight back in a way that I feel like I'm talented.