I have to say, as someone who is not a Christian, it’s hard for me to believe Christians are a persecuted people in America. God willing, maybe one of you one day will even rise up and get to be president of this country — or maybe forty-four in a row. But that’s my point, is they’ve taken this idea of no establishment as persecution, because they feel entitled, not to equal status, but to greater status.

The beautiful thing about faking a news show is the topicality is delayed.

We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.

Some would argue that the president himself benefited from a form of affirmative action because as a C student, he only got into Yale because his father was a wealthy alumnus. But the White House counters that Saddam is a menace and must be stopped.

I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.

I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.

Typically, when you're with your friends, premises are coming up left and right. But when you're on stage, you must create the premise. So you have to create the premise, paint the picture and then deliver the punch line.