The frustration of our [The Daily] show is- very much outside any parameters of the media or the government. We don't have access to these people, we don't have access. We don't go to dinners we don't have cocktail parties. We don't you know, you've seen what happens when one of us ends up at the White House Correspondents' Dinner, it doesn't end well.

Poor people have sh*tty lobbyists.

Some people look at a glass and see it as half-full. Others look at a glass and call it a dragon.

The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.

I always get that cautionary warning right before I get off the phone with an interviewer. It's: 'Good luck with the show. I really like it, and if this goes wrong, you'll be hearing from my attorneys.

Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a with in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.