To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

Gay people can't be proud of the country and want to defend it too. What's the army afraid is going to happen if gay people are in it. Private, shoot that man! I can't, he's adorable.

I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.

Usually when Obama says, 'Let me be clear,' he's about to get into some very unclear sh*t.

I really think [the Bush Administration]'s foreign policy agenda is to spread irony through the world.

Any fool can blow something up. Any fool can destroy. But to see these guys, these firefighters and these policemen and people from all over the country, literally with buckets, rebuilding... that's extraordinary. And that's why we have already won... they can't... it's light. It's democracy. They can't shut that down.