If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.

You know, I just want to say to her (Sarah Palin), just very quickly...F-- you.

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

Remember that guy who got gored by a bull and the bull pulled his underwear off and he had to run around the ring naked? If that footage comes out, I'll run that.

It seems like Michael Vick is going to jail for dog fighting. Hopefully, they won't have guard dogs.

I never thought I'd say this, but I miss voter fraud.

In case you're wondering what we all do here during the commercial breaks, mostly we just sit around making catty remarks about the outfits you're all wearing at home.