Planet Hollywood has shrunk from seventy-five locations around the world to just over thirty-five over the past two years. No new Planet Hollywoods are opening, which in turn has caused a 100 percent decline in opportunities for Bruce Willis to play the harmonica.

My life is a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that's what my handlers tell me. I'm actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.

[He died of thirst?] That sounds, if I might say, like the greatest Sprite commercial ever.

Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.

I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.