Planet Hollywood has shrunk from seventy-five locations around the world to just over thirty-five over the past two years. No new Planet Hollywoods are opening, which in turn has caused a 100 percent decline in opportunities for Bruce Willis to play the harmonica.

America has had to deal with eccentric dictators in the past: Idi Amin, Muammar Qaddafi, Ming the Merciless... but now the security of the world is threatened by Kim Jong-il, a nerdy, pompadoured, platform shoe-wearer who looks like something you'd put on the end of your child's pencil.

Here's the thing about global warming that I didn't realize: it would all happen at once.

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

There's nothing like a shipwreck to spark the imagination of everyone who was not on that specific ship.

Do you know what writing a book is? It's sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human. I felt like Howard Hughes.

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.