Cause if there's one thing Islamic terrorists don't have is....(seriously thinking about it)....%#@&!

People, if you can't get through the puns, I can't give you the good stuff.

It's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to have to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights...

I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called "fear of success".

What I like to do is come in, write the entire program and treat my staff to hot stone massages.

The thing that [the Senate and the House] don't realize is that everyone wants them to come from beyond that contradiction so that we can all fix it. Nobody is saying, "We don't have a problem." Nobody is saying that, "9/11 didn't happen." What they're saying is, "We're not a fragile country, trust us to have this conversation, so that we can do this in the right way, in a more effective way."

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.