[If President Bush is right about democracy in Iraq] I may, and I don't know if I can physically do this, implode.

It seems like Michael Vick is going to jail for dog fighting. Hopefully, they won't have guard dogs.

After going to war against the U.N.'s expressed wishes, the U.S. is now admitting it needs the U.N.'s help. It's the geopolitical equivalent of the 2 a.m. phone call ever parent dreads: 'Mom, I'm not saying I wrecked the car, but I need a ride home.'

I'm not a very serious Jew. I don't wear the protective religious headgear. They only wear that because 40% of all religious thoughts escape through the head.

[President Bush] recently challenged Iraqi soldiers still fighting U.S. troops like so: ... 'My answer is bring 'em on.' For those of you who may be criticizing Bush for acting like a movie cowboy, let me remind you. He's actually acting more like a movie cheerleader.

I just thought, there are very few stories involving me, Anna Nicole Smith, and Jesus.

People, if you can't get through the puns, I can't give you the good stuff.