Stephen Colbert is also then turned into news.

I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.

Don't confuse [Father's Day] with Valentine's Day, and here's why. Boy, will you creep him out. I can just tell you from last year, uh, even if they do like chocolate, they don't want it from their son.

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.

We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the beauty of fake journalism. We don't have to - we travel in fake ethics.

The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle.