No one is better at not beating America than England.

There's nothing like a shipwreck to spark the imagination of everyone who was not on that specific ship.

Oh my god... Kerry is boring even when Bush is reading him.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

America has had to deal with eccentric dictators in the past: Idi Amin, Muammar Qaddafi, Ming the Merciless... but now the security of the world is threatened by Kim Jong-il, a nerdy, pompadoured, platform shoe-wearer who looks like something you'd put on the end of your child's pencil.

You may be asking yourself, 'Am I the right type of person to go to this rally?' The fact that you would even stop to ask yourself that question, as opposed to, let's say, just jumping up, grabbing the nearest stack of burnable holy books, strapping on a diaper and pointing your car towards D.C. -- that means I think you just might be right for it.

Divorce isn't caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness.