New York City isn't Chuck E. Cheese. We don't have ball pits for the kids to play in. We have titty bars and crack.

The blow back from the cold war is that a weakened Russia allowed Afghanistan to become a failed state, and then all this weaponry to flow into all these other conflicts. Our greatest triumph has almost fueled our most intractable battle now.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it's nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I masturbate. A lot. And yet, I don't floss because it's too much of a hassle. Ten seconds of joy over a lifetime of tooth decay, that's what I've chosen.

We're Jews. When you look at our pubic hair, it should look like Ewoks should be in there.

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don't go hungry, you're a moocher?