You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.

[If President Bush is right about democracy in Iraq] I may, and I don't know if I can physically do this, implode.

Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.

I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I'm hoping for controlled chaos to assist us.

If the president is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract. Its vast and convoluted inner workings may be mysterious and unpleasant, but in the end they excrete a great deal of material whose successful passage is crucial to our nation's survival. This is Congress's duty.

The reason I don’t worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I’ll take those odds every f*cking day.

Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays, so there is a plural, which in the English language necessitates the use of the letter "S." Now, I suppose you could say "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year" but you probably have sh*t to do.