Glenn Beck does have a dream. Unfortunately, it's the kind of dream you have when you eat four pepperoni hot pockets right before bed.

This is what happens when you don't let gays marry; they start designing clothes out of spite.

Hopefully the process is to spot things that would be grist for the funny mill. In some respects, the heavier subjects are the ones that are most loaded with opportunity because they have the most - you know, the difference between potential and kinetic energy? - they have the most potential energy, so to delve into that gives you the largest combustion, the most interest. I don't mean for the audience. I mean for us. Everyone here is working too hard to do stuff we don't care about.

Apparently the only time the press gets it right is when the White House illegally leaks it to them.

The reason I don’t worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I’ll take those odds every f*cking day.

Ah, the first rule of public speaking -- always start with a joke.

In what is perhaps the strangest turn in the President's efforts to rally support, he agreed that Iraq is just like Vietnam, but in a good way.