I know that my job is to perform, it wouldn't be a very interesting show if I just came out one day and said, "I'm going to sit here in a ball and rock back and forth. And won't you join me for a half hour of sadness."

I wonder who really is the change candidate? It can't be both of them [Hillary Clinton & Barak Obama]. What would be a black man and a woman - how could that be different than the 43 other Presidents we've had?

Across the nation, thousands of people are lining up in hospital waiting rooms, out the doors, down the steps, around the corners, and behind the hedges, waiting for their inoculations. Here's another idea for avoiding the flu: DON'T stand outside in the cold for hours around lots of other people.

Is listening to Pink Floyd in the dark a medical condition?

The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1.

Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?

Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children's television PBS is on the house.