I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.

In case you're wondering what we all do here during the commercial breaks, mostly we just sit around making catty remarks about the outfits you're all wearing at home.

Whenever you take over something that is popular and has a fanatical following that loves it, you're never going to please everyone. The trick is to have enough wherewithal to follow through with what you want to do with it and give it time to evolve.

Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.

Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.

Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair.

The trial of Enron chiefs Jeffrey Skilling and Ken Lay began four-and-a-half years after perpetrating -- allegedly -- the fraud that led to the second largest bankruptcy in American history. Why four-and-a-half years? Because apparently it's harder to bring Ken Lay to trial than it is to invade two countries.