The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle.

As long as I don't end up hosting a skin care commercial with Cher, I'm happy.

Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only open nagging questions: what kind of freak has 1,000 pages of medical records?

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

You can buy [John McCain's] book, but in a week and a half, he'll have another.

We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.

It's like hunting cows