Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair.

Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays, so there is a plural, which in the English language necessitates the use of the letter "S." Now, I suppose you could say "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year" but you probably have sh*t to do.

The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective.

I don't consider myself a serious and social political critic.

To me, that's where a lot of satire lies. News used to hold itself to a higher plane and slowly it has dissolved into, well, me.

High school. You know, people say, 'I'll never do so-and-so again' - then they do it. So what? Sometimes somebody has crack, and you're looking to stay awake.

If you break someone's leg, shouldn't you have to be the crutch for a while?