I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on.

9/11 references are like Lay's potato chips...no Congress can make just one.

We are going to be raising a generation of mentally impaired people.

I have become increasingly unnerved by the depth of corruption that exists at many different levels. I'm less upset with politicians than [with] the media.

The country of Mexico has just gotten its first Taco Bell. You're Welcome. Finally, Mexicans will have access to... Mexican food. Bon appetit. I can't imagine how confused they will be when they get a taco.

I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.