Some people look at a glass and see it as half-full. Others look at a glass and call it a dragon.

New York City isn't Chuck E. Cheese. We don't have ball pits for the kids to play in. We have titty bars and crack.

The best way to describe my ability was to say that after the game the other kids would say to me, 'Way to try!'

It's like hunting cows

Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays, so there is a plural, which in the English language necessitates the use of the letter "S." Now, I suppose you could say "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year" but you probably have sh*t to do.

Usually when Obama says, 'Let me be clear,' he's about to get into some very unclear sh*t.

The Department of Homeland Security recommends a three-day supply of water consisting of one bottle per day for each person in your home. Plus one extra bottle to give you all something to kill each other over on day four.