I play with a fear of letting my team down. That's what motivates me.

Failing at something is one thing, but Buddhism tells us that it is up to us how we interpret that failure [Buddhism] a philosophy and way of life that resonates with me I identify with it. I agree with so much of the sentiment behind it. I enjoy the liberating effect it's had on me to get back into the game Buddhism, with its concepts of karma and rebirth, have freed me from the twin fears of death and life without rugby, like life, will also come to an end.

Right through to the end of the last World Cup game, I still couldnt bear the thought of not being perfect or letting people down.

We need to ask ourselves what are we here for and what have we worked so hard to be here for.

When you're obsessive, like me, searching for something unattainable can become unhealthy ... it's like falling through the air and grabbing at the clouds.

The conversation topic in my head is not what role I should play; it is whether I am going to play at all.

I refuse to go into a fast-food outlet - to use the toilet even - in case anyone got the wrong idea and thought I was sneaking in a quick burger.