Experience is a school where a man learns what a big fool he has been.

The devil is the father of lies, but he neglected to patent the idea, and the business now suffers from competition.

Most everyone seems willing to be a fool himself, but he can't bear to have anyone else one.

Wisdom has never made a bigot, but learning has.

When you do laugh, open your mouth wide enough for the noise to get out without squealing, throw your head back as though you were going to be shaved, hold on to your false hair with both hands and then laugh till your soul gets thoroughly rested.

I do not know of a better cure for sorrow than to pity somebody else.

A good reliable set of bowels is worth more to a man than any quantity of brains.