The nearest we can come to) perfect happiness is to cheat ourselves with the belief that we have got it.

Never run into debt, not if you can find anything else to run into.

Put an Englishman into the garden of Eden, and he would find fault with the whole blasted concern; put a Yankee in, and he would see where he could alter it to advantage; put an Irishman in, and he would want to boss the thing; put a Dutchman in, and he would proceed to plant it.

If mankind were only just what they pretend to be, the problem of the millennium would be immediately solved.

The devil is the father of lies, but he neglected to patent the idea, and the business now suffers from competition.

It is a statistical fact that the wicked work harder to reach hell than the righteous do to enter heaven

The time to pray is not when we are in a tight spot but just as soon as we get out of it.