The morning paper is just as necessary for an American as dew is to the grass.

Hunting after happiness is like hunting after a lost sheep in the wilderness--when you find it, the chances are that it is a skeleton.

Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one place.

Man was created a little lower than the angels and has been getting a little lower ever since.

When you do laugh, open your mouth wide enough for the noise to get out without squealing, throw your head back as though you were going to be shaved, hold on to your false hair with both hands and then laugh till your soul gets thoroughly rested.

Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at.

Learning sleeps and snores in libraries, but wisdom is everywhere, wide awake, on tiptoe.