You know, I'm a comedian the same as Bill Maher and Jon Stewart. We all came up the same way. The three of us have interest in politics; I call us fundits, we're fundits! We're not pundits!

Is there such a thing as a man-made stroke? In other words, did someone do this to (Democratic Senator Tim Johnson)? ...I know what this [Republican] party is capable of.

It's a completely useless emotion - jealousy. I don't go there.

Have four things going. I have stand-up comedy, two television shows and I'm working on a play. I like to work, and I fear that something could fall through. You know what they say: 'The show must go off.

I don't need a diet pill. I need something that gives you an electric shock when you reach for food.

I'm Italian, but some people think I'm Jewish because I work the Yiddish. I also work the Italian, by the way.

Those flowers were picked by illegal immigrants. And they're not voting for you, b*tch.