I think that comedy is a good defense for a child. Because you know childhood is a nightmare as it is. And so why not use comedy and being funny as a defense to get through your life as opposed to drugs, alcohol and good looks? Because those things are dangerous when your young.

A better thing to grow up with is to be funny I think, and if I had, if I had my choice I would still pick that.

Those flowers were picked by illegal immigrants. And they're not voting for you, b*tch.

I interviewed Ann Coulter when I was sitting in for Larry King a couple of times, and we have a rapport. I like to talk to her.

I don't get jealous of people. Jealousy is such a waste of time because you're jealous of them, and they go about their lives and have a wonderful time, so what's the point?

As Socrates I believe said the unexamined life is not worth living. I believe that's true. I do believe that.

Isn't it a little racist to call it Black Friday?