Is there such a thing as a man-made stroke? In other words, did someone do this to (Democratic Senator Tim Johnson)? ...I know what this [Republican] party is capable of.

You know, I'm a comedian the same as Bill Maher and Jon Stewart. We all came up the same way. The three of us have interest in politics; I call us fundits, we're fundits! We're not pundits!

It's not interesting enough if you don't know who you are, what you want. You need to make educated decisions about your moves and talk to people who care about you. And you need to have people who will have your back.

I'm Italian, but some people think I'm Jewish because I work the Yiddish. I also work the Italian, by the way.

Never eat at a Chinese restaurant named Mama Teresa's Trattoria.

I don't profess to be an expert on anything, or have the memory for who ran in 1952. I am an informed American citizen, that's my position.

Those flowers were picked by illegal immigrants. And they're not voting for you, b*tch.