Is there such a thing as a man-made stroke? In other words, did someone do this to (Democratic Senator Tim Johnson)? ...I know what this [Republican] party is capable of.

You know, I'm a comedian the same as Bill Maher and Jon Stewart. We all came up the same way. The three of us have interest in politics; I call us fundits, we're fundits! We're not pundits!

I don't need a diet pill. I need something that gives you an electric shock when you reach for food.

The Republicans do not have feeling for people who are in bad shape.

I keep my stand-up comedy notes in a pile on my desk. I don't organize my act. I keep myself in a state of confusion. It stresses me out, but I prefer creative chaos.

When people heckle me, I have the microphone. And the press has the microphone.

Never eat at a Chinese restaurant named Mama Teresa's Trattoria.