The first time I did stand-up was on a dare.

My doctor said I had OCD. I couldn't believe it. I had to call him nine times to make sure.

I have a nice little house in LA. Well, the bedroom is nice. I have French doors in the bedroom. They don't open unless I lick them.

If you're going to hit a car, try to be sure that it's not a cop car

Joan Rivers broke down barriers, advocated for free speech, and never apologized for who she was.

We never talked to each other in my family. We communicated by putting Ann Landers articles on the refrigerator.

Twelve years ago my mother gets her cataracts removed. So twelve years ago the doctor gives her these enormous sunglasses to wear to protect her eyes from the sun for 4-6 weeks after the operation...twelve years ago. She still wears them. She thinks they're attractive. She looks like Bea Arthur as a welder.