I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist.

My work is a mitzvah for the eyes & ears...and it will help you forget about your problems by thinking about mine for a change!

You can't get a body like mine in a bottle unless you push real hard.

I'm husband hunting. Now, I know all the men are going to be gay but at this point, I need a new gay husband. Or, a new lesbian assistant. If you want something done, tell a lesbian and the she'll chop down a tree. Something like that.

How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit a suicide?

This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"

I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself.