I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist.

I am more comfortable doing comedy, and I want to perform comedy. When you can really make someone laugh, that's a healing experience. It's like music. A lot of music is really healing.

I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself.

This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"

My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, "Just wait."

I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist.

You have to really kiss up to EVERYONE! Kiss up to anyone you think can help you. That's really the best advice I can give. You obviously have to have an act - but, maybe you don't.