My favourite spectator sport is watching people who should know better searching for something, and often claiming to find it, where it never could be. Women claiming to find feminism in Islam is a good one.

Surely being a Professional Beauty - let alone an ageing one - is one of the most insecure and doomed careers imaginable.

It shouldn't come as any surprise that those who choose acting as a profession are phonies who live in a fantasy world. What is surprising is how many of them are blissfully unaware of it.

I won't be going to any New Year's Eve parties because I think they're naff. No one over the age of 15 should bother going to parties.

I wouldn't know how to fool a man any more. My deceiving days seem so long ago.

And call me a pig, but isn't it brilliantly refreshing how early the Dutch eat dinner? When they're still laying out the cutlery in achingly hip Barcelona, they're hanging the Closed sign on the restaurant doors of old Amsterdam.

Only those who haven't got the wit to speak for themselves would ever want their clothes to do it for them.