My parents had irrational fears of Mexico and assumed that once you crossed the border, drug runners made you swallow a heroin balloon and then within the hour you were in a bathtub full of ice and they were harvesting your kidneys.
Justin Halpern[The] majority of the girls working there had major emotional problems. And not cries-too-much emotional problems; more like stabs-her-boyfriend-with-a-steak-knife-then-falls-into-a-corner-and-starts-whispering-to-herself emotional problems.
Justin HalpernOn My First Driving Lesson โFirst things first: A car has five gears. What is that smell?โฆOkay, first thing before that first thing: Farting in a car thatโs not moving makes you an asshole.
Justin HalpernThe Internet has really democratized ideas. There are no real gatekeepers any more, because if you have a great idea, and you put it online, people will find it and it will get in front of who it needs to get in front of.
Justin HalpernOn My Last-Place Finish in the 50-Yard Dash During Little League Tryouts โIt kinda looked like you were being attacked by a bunch of bees or something. Then when I saw the fat kid with the watch who was timing you start laughingโฆ. Well, Iโll just say itโs never a good sign when a fat kid laughs at you.
Justin Halpern