If it's not bourbon or sweatpants, it's going in the garbage.... No, don't get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time.

I kind of came to the conclusion after I did finally get married that love and relationships are just a series of horrific losses with hopefully one win.

The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.

No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry.

Writing a book is incredibly pleasurable, but very solitary. You have total control, but sometimes that can drive you insane.

Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.

Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.