I kind of came to the conclusion after I did finally get married that love and relationships are just a series of horrific losses with hopefully one win.

Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.

I just want silence... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.

Eventually, though, I came to the conclusion that I was the male equivalent of a Toyota Camry. You know: No one ever says, "I have to have a Toyota Camry." But most people who spend some time in a Camry start to like it. "It's pretty reliable," they think. "It doesn't have a lot of problems, and it's not bad to look at. You know what? I'd probably prefer a nicer car. But I can live with a Camry.

No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry.

There is no definitive guidebook on how to pick the right partner, and even if there were, I'm way too dumb to write it.

On My Last-Place Finish in the 50-Yard Dash During Little League Tryouts “It kinda looked like you were being attacked by a bunch of bees or something. Then when I saw the fat kid with the watch who was timing you start laughing…. Well, I’ll just say it’s never a good sign when a fat kid laughs at you.