Before I proposed to my now-wife, I was understandably nervous. My father suggested that I take stock of all of my experiences and relationships with women, from my earliest memories to present day, and see if I had learned anything that might inform my decision.

The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two.

Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.

You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.

The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.

The thing with Bill Shatner is he brings something unique to everything he does. He's not the obvious choice for anything, but he always brings something special to it.

I just want silence... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.