Before I proposed to my now-wife, I was understandably nervous. My father suggested that I take stock of all of my experiences and relationships with women, from my earliest memories to present day, and see if I had learned anything that might inform my decision.

Writing a book is incredibly pleasurable, but very solitary. You have total control, but sometimes that can drive you insane.

I feel like if I'm going to give you a book about my dad, then I really want to give you my dad, because he is interesting and he is funny and if you're buying a book about him, I don't want you to have to sit through stuff that's not him.

On My First Driving Lesson “First things first: A car has five gears. What is that smell?…Okay, first thing before that first thing: Farting in a car that’s not moving makes you an asshole.

No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry.

Sometimes its nice when people you love need you.

You worry too much. Eat some bacon...what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.