That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.

The thing with Bill Shatner is he brings something unique to everything he does. He's not the obvious choice for anything, but he always brings something special to it.

The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.

Sometimes its nice when people you love need you.

You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine.

Eventually, though, I came to the conclusion that I was the male equivalent of a Toyota Camry. You know: No one ever says, "I have to have a Toyota Camry." But most people who spend some time in a Camry start to like it. "It's pretty reliable," they think. "It doesn't have a lot of problems, and it's not bad to look at. You know what? I'd probably prefer a nicer car. But I can live with a Camry.

When it's asshole-tightening time, that's when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of.