That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.

There is no definitive guidebook on how to pick the right partner, and even if there were, I'm way too dumb to write it.

If it's not bourbon or sweatpants, it's going in the garbage.... No, don't get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time.

When it's asshole-tightening time, that's when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of.

The thing with Bill Shatner is he brings something unique to everything he does. He's not the obvious choice for anything, but he always brings something special to it.

I feel like if I'm going to give you a book about my dad, then I really want to give you my dad, because he is interesting and he is funny and if you're buying a book about him, I don't want you to have to sit through stuff that's not him.

Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.