The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.

The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two.

The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.

Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.

I just wanted to compile these stories about growing up with my father and I wanted people to be able to enjoy them individually, but also the entire book as a whole.

I feel like if I'm going to give you a book about my dad, then I really want to give you my dad, because he is interesting and he is funny and if you're buying a book about him, I don't want you to have to sit through stuff that's not him.

I just want silence... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.