The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.

Eventually, though, I came to the conclusion that I was the male equivalent of a Toyota Camry. You know: No one ever says, "I have to have a Toyota Camry." But most people who spend some time in a Camry start to like it. "It's pretty reliable," they think. "It doesn't have a lot of problems, and it's not bad to look at. You know what? I'd probably prefer a nicer car. But I can live with a Camry.

That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.

[The] majority of the girls working there had major emotional problems. And not cries-too-much emotional problems; more like stabs-her-boyfriend-with-a-steak-knife-then-falls-into-a-corner-and-starts-whispering-to-herself emotional problems.

Sometimes its nice when people you love need you.

You worry too much. Eat some bacon...what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.

You say you’re sick, huh? Well, it looks like you’ve come down with a case of bullshit.