The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.

Sometimes its nice when people you love need you.

On My Last-Place Finish in the 50-Yard Dash During Little League Tryouts “It kinda looked like you were being attacked by a bunch of bees or something. Then when I saw the fat kid with the watch who was timing you start laughing…. Well, I’ll just say it’s never a good sign when a fat kid laughs at you.

You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine.

You say you’re sick, huh? Well, it looks like you’ve come down with a case of bullshit.

On My First Driving Lesson “First things first: A car has five gears. What is that smell?…Okay, first thing before that first thing: Farting in a car that’s not moving makes you an asshole.

I kind of came to the conclusion after I did finally get married that love and relationships are just a series of horrific losses with hopefully one win.