The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.

Sometimes its nice when people you love need you.

You say you’re sick, huh? Well, it looks like you’ve come down with a case of bullshit.

Writing a book is incredibly pleasurable, but very solitary. You have total control, but sometimes that can drive you insane.

I feel like if I'm going to give you a book about my dad, then I really want to give you my dad, because he is interesting and he is funny and if you're buying a book about him, I don't want you to have to sit through stuff that's not him.

Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.

There is no definitive guidebook on how to pick the right partner, and even if there were, I'm way too dumb to write it.