On My First Driving Lesson “First things first: A car has five gears. What is that smell?…Okay, first thing before that first thing: Farting in a car that’s not moving makes you an asshole.

There is no definitive guidebook on how to pick the right partner, and even if there were, I'm way too dumb to write it.

When it's asshole-tightening time, that's when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of.

That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.

The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.

[The] majority of the girls working there had major emotional problems. And not cries-too-much emotional problems; more like stabs-her-boyfriend-with-a-steak-knife-then-falls-into-a-corner-and-starts-whispering-to-herself emotional problems.

I feel like if I'm going to give you a book about my dad, then I really want to give you my dad, because he is interesting and he is funny and if you're buying a book about him, I don't want you to have to sit through stuff that's not him.