You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.

You worry too much. Eat some bacon...what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.

I feel like if I'm going to give you a book about my dad, then I really want to give you my dad, because he is interesting and he is funny and if you're buying a book about him, I don't want you to have to sit through stuff that's not him.

On My First Driving Lesson “First things first: A car has five gears. What is that smell?…Okay, first thing before that first thing: Farting in a car that’s not moving makes you an asshole.

When it's asshole-tightening time, that's when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of.

I kind of came to the conclusion after I did finally get married that love and relationships are just a series of horrific losses with hopefully one win.

My parents had irrational fears of Mexico and assumed that once you crossed the border, drug runners made you swallow a heroin balloon and then within the hour you were in a bathtub full of ice and they were harvesting your kidneys.