You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.

Writing a book is incredibly pleasurable, but very solitary. You have total control, but sometimes that can drive you insane.

That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.

You worry too much. Eat some bacon...what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.

When it's asshole-tightening time, that's when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of.

The thing with Bill Shatner is he brings something unique to everything he does. He's not the obvious choice for anything, but he always brings something special to it.

On My Last-Place Finish in the 50-Yard Dash During Little League Tryouts “It kinda looked like you were being attacked by a bunch of bees or something. Then when I saw the fat kid with the watch who was timing you start laughing…. Well, I’ll just say it’s never a good sign when a fat kid laughs at you.