Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.

[The] majority of the girls working there had major emotional problems. And not cries-too-much emotional problems; more like stabs-her-boyfriend-with-a-steak-knife-then-falls-into-a-corner-and-starts-whispering-to-herself emotional problems.

I feel like if I'm going to give you a book about my dad, then I really want to give you my dad, because he is interesting and he is funny and if you're buying a book about him, I don't want you to have to sit through stuff that's not him.

Sometimes its nice when people you love need you.

No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry.

Writing a book is incredibly pleasurable, but very solitary. You have total control, but sometimes that can drive you insane.

You say you’re sick, huh? Well, it looks like you’ve come down with a case of bullshit.