Hello?... No I'm sorry no Shaquita here. Well what number did you dial?.. No it's a nine not a seven... Well try it if it doest work call me back we'll figure this thing out.

All comedy comes from a dark place.

The past is something for you to learn from and the future is something that you hope is going to happen, but I'm always speaking to my actual fans in present tense.

There's only winning and losing, and in our society, as in all societies, there's the person that's doing the winning, or there's the person that's facilitating the winning.

Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherf***ers, it'll be your last headache.

Buy a condom, ribbed for her pleasure. Turn it inside out, now it's ribbed for your pleasure.

My legs tired, ain't your legs tired!? His legs ain't Tired! He Just... Tinktinktinktinktinktink, TinktinkTinktinkTinktink!! Just paperclips and Sparks everywhere!