I'm not a drug salesman. I'm a writer." "What makes you think a writer isn't a drug salesman?

One good thing about TV is, if you die violently, God forbid, on camera, you will not have died in vain because you will be great entertainment.

If people think nature is their friend, then they sure don't need an enemy.

Humor is an almost physiological response to fear.

To whom it may concern: It is springtime. It is late afternoon.

Son--they say there isn't any royalty in this country, but do you want me to tell you how to be king of the United States of America? Just fall through the hole in a privy and come out smelling like a rose.

You want to know something? We are still in the Dark Ages. The Dark Ages--they haven't ended yet.