A war is like when it rains in New York and everybody crowds into doorways. They all get chummy together perfect strangers. The only difference, of course, is in a war it's also raining on the other side of the street and the people who are chummy over there are trying to kill the people who are over here who are chums.

Television is a weapon of mass distractrion.

You can write something that has continuity, but it makes happy endings all the more ridiculous.

If vaudeville had died, television was the box they put it in.

Marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be, let me tell you. Honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.

Contrary to popular belief, it's not the legs that go first; it's remembering the word for legs.

I'm a recovering optimist.