I'm still going on bad dates when by now I should be in a bad marriage.

The thing that amazes me about getting fired is that nobody ever has anything insightful to say about it. They always say the same thing. They always say, 'Everything happens for a reason.' As lame as that sounds, I guess it’s better to hear it out loud. Because when you hear it in your own head, it sounds like, 'Anything can happen with a razor.

My grandmother, she passed away at Christmas time. So now, I have this built in sadness, you know, every holiday. 'Cause I'm plagued with the thought of, you know, what she would have given me. What didn't I get to open this year?

I'm still going on bad dates when by now I should be in a bad marriage.

Women can really be who they are. I'm about to say the F word, feminist. Often that word has such a negative connotation.

Always keep your anger bottled up. You might need a bottle of anger some day when friends come by and won't leave.

I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.